she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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