Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
