this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
