dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
