Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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