I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
