if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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