Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
40s are totally the cure
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
