I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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