I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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