Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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