She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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