Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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