I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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