The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
