You just made me feel so damn special
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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