im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
