If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
