It's Friday. Sex?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize