I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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