there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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