if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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