I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
