I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
