Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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