just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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