How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
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He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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