So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
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and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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