so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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