Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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