I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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