did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize