when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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