I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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