Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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