I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
