I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
