my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
