I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
