Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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