I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
