Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
