I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
