Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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