Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
