Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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