I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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