I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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