I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
