im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
