Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you traded sex for a burrito?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
