I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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