Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
