Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
