I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
