Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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