I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
