You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
