dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
