Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
