i think my mom watched the whole time
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Randomize
